Written by Anna Smyth, Clinical Psychologist
What does sexual orientation mean?
Sexuality or sexual orientation describes who a person does or does not feel physically or sexually
attracted to. Many people assume sexuality is static, but it can be fluid and change over the course
of a person’s life. Additionally, it can take time and exploration for someone to fully understand their
sexuality. This does not mean that someone is ‘changing their mind’, as sexuality is a fluid entity.
Sexual orientation, at times, can differ from romantic orientation; for example, someone may be
sexually attracted to all genders, but only be romantically attracted to men. Someone who is asexual
may experience little to no sexual attraction, and someone who is aromantic may experience little to
no romantic attraction to others.
There are many labels that people use to describe their sexuality; too many to include in this blog! A
few of the most common are:
Heterosexual/straight: a person who is attracted to people of the opposite gender to themselves
Homosexual/gay: a person who is attracted to people of the same gender as themselves
Lesbian: a woman (cisgender or transgender) who is primarily attracted to other cis or trans women
Bisexual: a person who is attracted to genders both like and unlike their own
Pansexual: a person who is attracted to people of all gender identities and expressions
Asexual/aromantic: a person who experiences little to no sexual attraction (asexual) or romantic
attraction (aromantic) in relationships
Queer: an umbrella term to encompass many areas of gender or sexual orientation
Questioning: someone who is exploring their sexuality/gender identity
There are many identities that are not on this list, and the important thing to remember is whatever
label you may or may not use is okay.
Understanding Your Sexuality
A normal, healthy part of human development involves the exploration of our sexual and gender
identity. Puberty alone can be a confusing and complex time, and can feel even more confusing if
you are unsure of your sexuality, or if those around you are not particularly accepting of diverse
sexualities. The most important thing to remember is this: there is no right or wrong. Humans don’t
have a choice in who they are attracted or not attracted to, and whoever you may or may not be
attracted to in a romantic or sexual sense is okay! More than that, it is should be celebrated. It all
boils down to the fact that as humans, one of our core survival needs is connection. In whatever
capacity, whoever we connect with is valuable, as long as it is consensual!
Understanding sexuality can be immediate for some people; they describe that they just ‘know’. For
others, it can take time and be a confusing journey. There is no right time or right age to discover
different parts of your identity. People who identify as straight have reported that they have had
crushes on or sex dreams abouts someone of the same gender, and they still identify as straight.
Again, this is normal. Understanding your sexuality is about exploring who you feel attracted to
romantically and sexually; safe and consensual exploration can be very helpful in figuring out what
works for you and what doesn’t.
Sexuality and labels
A key experience in people’s exploration of their sexuality is often feeling the need to label
themselves or their sexual orientation, and feeling that they need to figure it out precisely or fit into
a specific box. Taking this pressure off your shoulders can provide a huge amount of relief; there is
no need to label your sexuality or identity. For some people, finding a label for what they have been
feeling can be incredibly clarifying and affirming. They may find a label that they feel fits them and
they identify with, and they may feel a strong sense of belonging in the LGBTQIAP+ community.
However, for others, labels can feel extremely limiting and constricting. They may feel that their
identity is fluid and changes over time, or they just simply may not want to label themselves. The
important thing is that your sexuality is personal, and only you get to label it - if you even want to
label it at all. You might find, like many others, that the label you choose changes over time. The end
goal is not to label yourself, but instead to find who you connect with and who brings you happiness.
What does ‘Coming Out’ mean?
For a long time, society has normalised the need for those with diverse genders or sexualities to
‘come out’. Over time, this term has changed to ‘invite in’, to signify that people do not have to
‘come out’ to suit society, but rather can invite people in when they feel ready. You are the most
important person in this situation, and if you don’t feel ready or safe to share this part of yourself,
that is okay. Inviting in can be a significant and joyous milestone in affirming your identity; it can also
be difficult and come with hurdles. You also don’t have to tell everyone at once, or even at all. If you
feel ready to share, try sharing first with someone close to you who you know will be accepting, or
with an affirming health professional.
What is the difference between gender identity and sexual identity?
The LGBTQIAP+ community represents a diverse group of people, and the acronym is used to
describe experiences of gender identity, sexuality and physiological sex characteristics. People often
confuse gender identity and sexual identity; however they are separate experiences. One of the
traits that make up our identity is sexuality, which is who we are attracted to. This could mean
romantically (who you love) or sexually (who you want to kiss or be sexually intimate with). Again,
sexuality falls on many spectrums, and can be fluid and change, and people often fall in the middle,
perhaps not feeling entirely straight, entirely gay, or entirely asexual. Everything is normal.
On the other hand, gender identity is someone’s own internal sense of self and their gender. Someone’s sex is their physical body – for example, often when we are born, the doctor will write a
sex on your birth certificate based on certain characteristics such as genitals and hormones. Those
who are transgender feel incongruent with their assigned sex at birth, and this is where their gender
identity will differ from their sex. At the end of the day, whatever label people may or may not
choose to embrace is up to them; it’s the word that you feel suits you best.
How can a psychologist help?
Exploring your sexual identity can be a confusing time for anyone; as we develop, a normal and
healthy part of our development will be to explore our sexuality and gender identity. We may not
always feel comfortable discussing these topics with family and friends, and talking to a psychologist
can be a beneficial avenue to allow for safe exploration of your sexuality and identity as a whole.
Connecting with sexual and gender-affirming health professionals can be beneficial in many ways. A
queer-affirmative psychologist can help you to deal with minority stress (e.g., homophobia or
biphobia); internalised shame about your sexual orientation; navigating same-gender and mixed
orientation relationships; and general life stressors and mental health difficulties..
Additionally, if you have been experiencing feelings of anxiety or low mood for more than two
weeks, it may be time to talk to someone. More specific signs of anxiety and depression may include
having panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, abrupt mood swings, having little interest
in things you used to enjoy, low mood and feeling tired all the time, as well as persistent, generalised
anxiety.
Here at Spencer Health we are allies to the Queer community and are happy to support young
people, adults and families navigating gender and sexuality related topics. I professionally have a
special interest in supporting the Queer community and offer online and face to face appointments.
Please reach out to us if you feel you need support enquiries@spencerhealth.com.au