By Natasha Binns Clinical Psychology Registrar
In the wake of a traumatic event, it is normal to feel worried, upset, scared and overwhelmed. It is important to remember though that as parents you are a child’s first base of comfort, security, and support, and have the power to help your child recover and prevent them from suffering lasting psychological effects. It is likely though that you will have questions on how best to support your child during this time and this guide aims to answer some questions you may have and provide some tips regarding what you can do.
What Can I Do?
Depending on your child’s age they will need specific support from parents or caregivers, to mitigate potential trauma symptoms.
| Age | Information | What Can I Do? |
| 0-2 years old | Infants are highly perceptive to parent’s emotions as they are completely reliant on their parents at this age. If you are calm, your baby will feel secure, however if you are anxious or overwhelmed, they may react with fussing, irregular sleep or eating, or act withdrawn. | - Try your best to act and project calmness towards your child.
- Respond as consistently as you can to your baby’s needs to increase trust. - Continue nursing if you previously had been. There are myths that parental shock/stress can ‘sour’ breastmilk, these are not true. - Connect with your child. Look into their eyes, touch them, smile at them. |
| 2-5 years old | While children will make huge developmental advancements at this age they are still dependant on their parents. As with infants, Toddlers are highly perceptive and will react to their parent’s emotions. | - Make your child feel safe through cuddling and simple reassurance, e.g. “Mummy’s here”.
- Provide extra support at bedtime as children will likely become more anxious at night. Temporary sleeping arrangements with parents are okay as long as children know this is not forever. - Encourage your child to share their feelings. - Get them involved in fun activities and talk about positives in their lives. - If your child is acting out, understand they may need extra attention or support. Validate their feelings and show them appropriate ways of expressing those feelings. |
| 6-11 years old | At this age children are more able to talk about their thoughts and feelings and more resilient to difficulties, but still rely on parents for comfort and guidance. | - Reassure your child they are safe and comfort them with facts. Knowledge is power at this age.
- Keep things as ‘normal’ as possible. - Limit exposure to negative news on tv, newspapers, and radio. - Answer questions briefly and honestly. Ask what their ideas are first so you can better address their concerns. It is okay to say you don’t know, it is better to say this than speculate. - Get them involved in activities and talk about the positives in their lives and within the community. - Open discussions with your child about how they might be feeling. |
| 12-18 years old | Adolescence can be a particularly challenging time for young people. They struggle with wanting more independence from parents, but still needing support. Traumatic events can make them feel out of control despite how they may act, and they will likely have a strong desire to know why the event occurred. | - Open the door for discussions. It is typical for teens to say they do not want to talk, so starting a conversation during an activity together can make it feel less intense or confrontational.
- Make your teen feel safe again. While they may not want to show vulnerability, your child will still need support and touch can help them feel secure. - Help your teen feel helpful. Having small tasks and responsibilities can help them feel a sense of achievement, however, be sure not to overburden them as this will add to their anxiety. - Consider peer groups and conversations with other trusted adults as your child may feel more comfortable opening up to someone else. - Be aware of potential substance use. Teens are particularly at risk for turning to alcohol or substances to numb their feelings. If you suspect your child has been turning to alcohol or substances, approach them in a kind and non-judgemental way. You may say that you understand why people may turn to alcohol or substance, highlight that this can cause long term difficulties, and provide alternative coping methods. |
Should you talk to your child about the traumatic event?
It can often be helpful to talk to your child about the traumatic event and their feelings regarding what has occurred and to not avoid the topic as this can compound the negative effects of the traumatic event. It is important that any discussion with your child is done carefully and sensitively, and that they are not forced to discuss the traumatic event before they are emotionally ready to. It is important to note that any conversation with your child should be appropriate to their age and development.
Helpful tips regarding discussing traumatic events with your child are to:
- Initiate the conversation – Children can be acutely perceptive and may not initiate conversations regarding the traumatic event as they may not know how to start the conversation, or they may sense a parent or caregivers’ discomfort and not want to upset them. Open the conversation in with a broad question and provide reassurance that you are open and willing to talk about the event whenever they are ready to talk about it. You can open by sharing how you are feeling before asking them, so your child does not feel alone in their concerns or fears, however do not go into detail, e.g. “This was a very scary thing that happened and sometimes I wake up at night thinking about it. How are you feeling?”.
- Reassure them – Continued reassurance is important for your child to rebuild their sense of safety and heal from traumatic events. Remind them that you will be there for them, that they and the people they care about are safe, and that they can talk to you and ask you questions at any time. If any practical measures have been taken to ensure their safety (for example contacting police or government agencies, arrests, bars or new locks placed on houses or apartments) explaining this to your child can be helpful as well.
- Listen openly – It is especially important in the wake of traumatic events that your child is able to access your full attention when talking about the event, and your responses are non-judgemental and validate your child’s feelings. If your child’s responses are vague or tangled you can ask clarifying questions such as “It sounds like what your feeling is ___, does that sound right?”, “Can you tell me more about that?”, or “Can you tell me what you mean by __?”.
- Encourage your child to share their feelings – It is important to show children that no matter what they may be feeling in response to a traumatic event, they are understood, accepted, and able to share these feelings. This can be done in verbal and non-verbal ways such as drawing, writing, singing, or play. It can also be helpful to communicate your own emotions to some degree with your child. Normalising the expression of emotion in a healthy way, and role-modelling positive coping skills for your child can help them to develop the skills they need.
How parents and caregivers cope and the effect on the child
How parents and caregivers cope with and respond to traumatic events can play a crucial and profound role in shaping their child’s responses to trauma and their healing from trauma. Parents reactions and behaviours can act as a buffer, potentially mitigating the negative effects of trauma, or amplify those negative effects. By prioritising their own mental health, seeking support, and engaging in healthy coping strategies, parents not only equip themselves to be a source of strength and resilience for their children, but model positive strategies to children on how to cope with trauma.
There are a few important steps a parent or caregiver can take if they or their child have experienced a traumatic event to help themselves and their child cope. Firstly, it is important to provide your child with emotional support. This includes actively listening to your child’s concerns or worries, validating their feelings, and showing them unconditional love and support. Secondly, modelling healthy coping skills such as deep breathing, mindfulness exercises, exercise, and seeking social support can help to teach your child healthy ways to cope with trauma and stress. Thirdly, maintaining as much structure and routine as possible can increase your child’s sense of predictability and stability, allowing them to feel more secure in their surroundings. Lastly, recognising the need for, and seeking professional help for yourself can help to equip you with knowledge and tools to better cope yourself, as well as to better understand your child’s needs and effectively provide support for them.
Important things to avoid after a traumatic event as a parent and caregiver are minimising or dismissing your child’s experience. When children’s feelings and/or experiences are denied, minimised, or dismissed, it teaches them that their feelings and emotions are invalid and unimportant. While it is a natural response to want to shield your child from any further pain, it is important that this does not cross into overprotectiveness. Overprotectiveness can end up reinforcing a child’s fears and anxieties and prevent them from being exposed to age-appropriate challenge and situations that may provide opportunities for your child to build their independence, resilience, and coping skills.
When to get help for your child
It is normal for a child to show some changes in their behaviour or difficulty managing their emotions immediately following a trauma event, there are times when a child will need professional or psychological help to aid in processing their trauma and mitigating their symptoms. Early identification of children who need this support is crucial to prevent further social, emotional, or behavioural difficulties, and to ensure they are provided with the supports and interventions they need. Signs your child may need further help are:
- If their symptoms persist for more than 1 month or worsen over time.
- If their symptoms are more frequent when compared to other children their age.
- If their behaviours disrupt others/ the school environments on a regular basis.
- If their symptoms prevent them from engaging in age-appropriate tasks
- If their symptoms are occurring in multiple contexts (for example at school and at home).
- If their symptoms represent a change from their normal behaviour.
- If parents have concerns about the child’s or family’s functioning, are distressed by the situation, or want further information or assistance.
- If your child has experienced or witnessed a severe or life-threating trauma or has experienced ongoing or prolonged trauma.
We have psychologists available at Spencer Health who can support your child. A number of psychologists are also EMDR trained (more on that in a later blog). Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us enquiries@spencerhealth.com.au
If your child needs support urgently, you or they can contact the 24/7 numbers below:
- Kids Helpline: 1800 551 800
- Lifeline: 13 11 14
- Mental Health Line: 1800 011 511
- Beyond Blue: 1300 224 636
If you have immediate concerns regarding your own, or your child’s safety, please call 000 for emergency services and assistance.