By Carolin Hayes, Registered Psychologist
Separation and divorce are challenging situations for any family and come with big changes. Talking to your child and answering their questions helps them to adjust to these changes. When talking to your children be honest and keep it simple. They don’t need to know specific details, but they do need to know how the divorce or separation will impact them - where they are going to live, about split time arrangements, whether they are able to continue their current activities such as sport training or music lessons.
Provide reassurance that the separation or divorce is a result of conflict or disputes between the parents and is not the fault of the child. Children need the reassurance that they will be loved as much as before.
Talk about their feelings, it’s okay to feel sad and upset. Parents are reminded not to hide their feelings either. A parent can set a good example of how to express and manage difficult feelings in a calm and healthy way.
Most of all, take some time to talk to your child(ren). Life as a single parent is certainly challenging and can be overwhelming. Make sure you always take the time when children have questions or want to talk to you. Some questions might be difficult for you to respond to so take your time and respond carefully.
How might your child(ren) respond?
How children respond varies dramatically. Responses depend on the child’s age and level of maturity, their ability to cope with change, their temperament, and the situation within the previous family home itself.
While most children might initially feel worried, sad or angry about the break-up, for some it might be a relief. This is particularly the case if the child witnessed ongoing arguments and verbal or physical abuse and therefore developed a chronic sense of fear and feelings of unsafety. Separation in those cases will give them a sense of feeling safe and reduced anxiety.
Some children struggle to move between two homes and it is important that parents don’t take it personally.
Answering their questions.
Before answering any questions your child may have, it is important to tune into their concerns and worries and actively listen to them. Active listening involves not just hearing what your child says but also validating their feelings. A child might not feel understood when others try to reassure them with a “You’ll be fine”, instead, children may shut down their feelings.
Red flags and signs your child(ren) are struggling.
Children, especially younger ones, may struggle to express their feelings and put them into words. Every child is different in the way they respond. Here are some of the common signs:
- Anxiety: Many children will initially worry about the future and how the separation of their parents will affect them. They might worry about where they will live, how often they will see each parent, or whether they have to move schools. Some children blame themselves for their parents’ separation.
- Regression: Particularly younger children may have a period of regression during the transition period. This can include bed wetting, being more clingy, school refusal, or having more frequent meltdowns.
- Grief: Children may experience grief due to the loss of the family unit. Previously, their life revolved around the family and changes might be difficult to accept. During this time, they may withdraw from family members and previously loved activities.
Effective parenting strategies to help them through this time.
- Routines: Routines help children feel safe and secure, they make things predictable and therefore easier to cope. Bedtime/ morning routines should be kept the same (especially for younger children) if possible in both households.
- Explain living arrangements: Take your time to answer your child’s questions about the new living arrangements. How much time they spend with each parent, how they are getting to school/ preschool, who will take them to their weekend activities and what happens at change-over.
- Special toy: Move special toys between homes particularly for younger children who have a special toy or blanket that they sleep with at night or that provides them comfort. Essential items should be kept at both homes.
- Decision-making: Include your child(ren) in decision-making. Depending on their age, children can feel in control if they are included in some decision-making. Adolescents for example should be involved in the decisions about their living arrangements. Smaller decisions include how to decorate their new room or what other activities they would like to do.
- Change-over: Some children might feel unsettled during change-over times. Give your child time to readjust and read cues from the child, whether they prefer a quiet activity or time together.
How to protect your child(ren) from damaging conflict.
Separation and divorce can be highly stressful for some families, in some cases parents may be in conflict over extended periods of time. However, parents need to be mindful to speak respectfully about their former partner and not to criticise them in front of their children. If a child has questions about the other parent, they should be encouraged to ask them directly. A child should never be in situations where they feel like they have to take sides.
Don’t “interrogate” what happening at the other parent’s home. Children should not feel pressured to talk about their other parent or give responses that might upset a parent.
Where to go for help.
Children struggling with the effects of separation or divorce and continue to withdraw socially, their academic performance declines or there is regression in younger children, they might benefit from seeing a psychologist. At Spencer Health our clinicians can help address feelings of insecurity and abandonment as well as with feelings of loss that they experience due to changing living arrangements. Children and adolescents can get support to learn how to deal with their feelings of anger, blame, guilt and anxiety in a healthy way. As children’s trust in their parents may be shattered and they struggle to organise their own feelings, it might take some time to develop trust in the therapist and to open up and talk about their feelings. Therefore, parents should be patient and not expect any immediate changes. Only when trust is built with the therapist they can start working on their feelings.
Parents can also suggest another trusted person if the child does feel comfortable talking to their parents. Let them know that it is okay to talk to teachers, aunties, uncles, grandparents, or family friends. Some children and adolescents might find it easier to talk to a person outside of the family network, and this is where a child psychologist can assist.
Ongoing family conflicts can have a negative effect on the child or children. The Family Relationship Advance Line on 1800 050 321 can be contacted if the communication between former partners is increasingly difficult.
Wrap-up
Even though separation and divorce are major events in a child’s life, most children are able to adjust well with the right support. Often the impact on children depends on the way parents cope with the break-up. It is essential to take care of yourself as a parent and ask for help if needed. If you notice that your child is struggling to cope with the situation, seek help from a professional. The team at Spencer Health are more than happy to support you, so please reach out to us if you require assistance. Feel free to email us enquiries@spencerhealth.com.au